All That We See and Seem
by Seven Steps Closer
Summary: Detective Sergeant Lavi Bookman is involved in a car crash. Already tired and fatigued, he veers off road to avoid hitting the purple haired girl. Who is she? Was she even there? And what about the case of missing 15 year old Allen Walker...? WARNINGS: Drug abuse, self harm and suicide.
1. Prologue

Water ran off in rills from the tarpaulin-covered roll. A sight that Lavi knew was going to haunt him later. Pistons fired, hissing in quick succession as the crane maneuvered to drop the last plastic wrapped parcel on to the back of the flat bed of the police hired pick-up truck. The others had already been moved into the tent for inspection.

"That one makes five," DC Lavi Bookman noted out loud to no one. The tip off had been correct.

Five bodies that should have woken up this morning.

Five mouths that should have kissed their loved ones goodbye before leaving for work, school, for another day of life.

"Preliminary reports suggest that what we have here are the five males, each reported missing a fortnight ago. The immigration investigation team will be moving in," DI Chalker Laboun, a gaunt looking man in his mid-thirties pushed a cheap polystyrene cup containing watery tea into Lavi's hands.

Five lives that were not his problem.

Lavi stood back surveying the scene and blinking back the shadowed edges in the periphery. Both banks of the canal had been cordoned off and a small unit of fire-personnel managed the machinery on the near side. Uniforms in bright yellow jackets were all over the place guarding the flimsy police tape borders against over-eager journalists. He took a sip of the hot liquid and grimaced.

"God bless Twitter eh? Bastards are getting up faster and faster," Laboun shook his head bitterly. The working day had barely even begun for most, not that that applied to the vultures at the press.

"You sure you want to hand this over?" The drink did nothing to remove the early morning gravel from his voice. "Five bodies, and going by the varying water damage and flora coverage, all dumped at different periods. How much you want to bet there are more down there?"

"Don't be so heartless Bookman," Laboun said grimly. "This isn't a career making moment. There's justice owed here. Don't forget that."

A uniform hailed the two detectives, alerting them to the arrival of two more dour-faced suits. Lavi didn't recognise the newcomers, not that he expected to, immigration enforcement should have been worlds away from homicide. From the looks of it they were attempting to enter the investigation tent, which was causing quite a stir. He started to follow the Detective Sergeant down to the bank but was dismissed with a wave and a shake of the head.

"Go back to the station without me," Laboun threw a set of keys at his junior. "Get a head start on all that lovely handover paperwork."

Lavi managed a grateful smile, like he was supposed to be happy that he was allowed to drive. Really he was wondering whether it would be a good idea to even drive when his head still felt so full of cotton and stuffing. Some of the uniforms waved as he passed by, nodding to some and mumbling a greeting to others. It wasn't so long ago that Lavi was one of them.

At 26 Lavi Bookman was the youngest officer to be made detective sergeant after exceptional test scores and exemplary conduct. He knew the others behind their smiles and good cheer were happy for him at first, but now a year on conversation grew stilted and interactions were nothing more than perfunctory.

The sun had risen higher in the sky, though still not enough to pierce the moist fog that clung to the air. Lavi empty the coffee into a crumpled metal bin and slipped into the drivers' seat. The engine burst into life with a growl and purred all the while Lavi adjusted the seat for his longer legs. He blew on his fingers as he waited for the engine to warm up.

Doors, mirrors, handbrake. Caffeine pills. Swallow. Done.

Violently the world through the windscreen dipped and snapped back into place. Lavi blinked several times and shook his head left and right.

Suddenly wary of the enveloping warmth Lavi pressed a button on the control panel twice. The windows rolled down with an electrical whir and Lavi rubbed his sore eyes with the heels of his palms and took a few deep steadying breaths before easing the car out of the spot and out onto the main road. The roads were still quite empty and the wind rushing in, whipping through his hair, brought the greatest refreshment Lavi had had in the last two weeks of self-imposed insomnia.

Later when he gave his report on the accident he wouldn't mention the exhaustion, the migraines or the way the world spun through the screen. Lavi was certain he would have made it back to the station without incident if it hadn't been for the little girl.

Purple haired and smiling, she waited for him in the middle of the junction. Lavi hit the horn twice to alert her to the impending danger but she did not move. The junction was coming up fast and Lavi started to slow down. Suddenly the girl caught his eye but still she did not move. Lavi tried to scream at her to get out of the way, but no breath could make it to his mouth in time. Emergency stop wouldn't be enough. Nerves on fire, Lavi swung the steering wheel to the right and reached for the handbrake at the same time.

The two-ton mass spun in a wide arc.

Inside Lavi braced himself for the impact of the stop, the seat belt cutting into his skin as it strained against the inertia. A streetlamp finally caught the vehicle in a metallic embrace, throwing Lavi bodily against door. The last thing he saw before the blackness closed in on him was the smiling face of a purple haired girl and the butterfly sitting on her shoulder.


	2. Chapter 1

**_It was a long way down._**

 ** _He peered over the precipice into the inky blackness, taking in the dizzying drop to the jagged rocks below. A breath of dust-scented air riffled urgently through his hair. Another step forward dislodged a loose stone, helplessly he watched it roll over the lip of the rock's edge.._**

 ** _With every bounce echoing against the rocky walls he winced and berated himself. A rookie mistake he was going to regret._**

 ** _It seemed an age until the careless stone finally came to a stop as it tumbled down the sheer face of the cliff. Lavi waited with bated breath, ears straining._**

 ** _Out there in the darkness, something was listening._**

The burning circle of light floating above him woke Lavi with a start; instincts kicked in and he thrashed out at the light and the torturer who was holding it so close to his face.

"Hey, hey easy now detective," a familiar voice spoke into his ear while a heavy arm restrained him. It was DI Laboun.

The Inspector helped Lavi sit up in the bed, and from the paper like coverings and the mucus green gown he wore, Lavi realized he was in a hospital room. "What happened?" he managed in a hoarse croak.

Laboun let go of the distressed officer and took a step back, his face drawn tightly. A blonde nurse stood on the other of the bed clutching a silver pen light in her hands. She spoke in that annoyingly calm voice usually reserved for the mentally incapable. "There was an accident, you lost control of your car."

"No," Lavi shook his head. He was completely in control. There was a butterfly - no a girl. Purple haired and smiling. "Th – there was a girl..."

DI Laboun stood back and buried his hands in his pockets, "There were no other vehicles on the road, detective. No witnesses either. The vehicle is at the garage now getting a proper look over. The dash cam wasn't damaged so we'll find out what happened." Wrong. There was someone…

"There was a girl, Laboun! She was sitting right there in the middle of the road!" Lavi turned frantically to the nurse who only looked back puzzled. She kept looking at the distance between herself and the door. Useless. Lavi turned back to Laboun, "The girl, she was in the road. Just sitting. She had purple hair, probably maybe twelve. You have to find her Laboun."

Spotting his clothes folded into a neat pile on a chair, Lavi began to rise from the bed, he needed to get out of this ridiculous gown and find out what happened to the child. But no sooner had he put a foot on the floor that the room began to spin, his insides roiled with every turn and just in time the nurse's professional instinct won out over precaution and she brought forward a cardboard bowl to catch the sharp acid that Lavi choked out.

"God man, what a way to get out of paper work," Laboun his already mussed hair. "Take the rest of the day Bookman, doc thinks you could be concussed. Damned lucky you didn't break some bones."

As if on cue a dull throb pulsed through Lavi's abdomen, dark red tendrils creeping out from his right side and piercing every bit of soft flesh along the way. Lavi winced but said nothing. What was the point? Pain usually followed a car accident.

"Just find the girl. Please" he implored, his words coming in clipped bursts now that the initial endorphin response wore away leaving him exhausted. "She could be out there somewhere hurt."

"I'll put a call out on this girl for you. It's possible if there was a girl she probably left the scene quickly after the crash." Laboun said uncertainly. "In the meantime do you want me to call anyone? I don't think anyone called Tyki yet."

"No!" Lavi said sharply. Laboun took a step back, surprised at the vehemence. Feeling slightly guilty Lavi checked his tone with his superior and continued more calmly, "No need to worry him…"

"Good to see you awake Mr. Bookman."

Lavi looked up to see who the overly honeyed voice belonged to. A doctor, judging by the long white coat, but not one accustomed to walking up and down A&E if the four inch shiny patent heels were anything to go by. She strode over to the nurse and took the clipboard from her hands, shook her head and relieved the nurse. "Thank you, I'll take it from here Olivia." The nurse left without a backward glance.

The newcomer held out a manicured hand, which Lavi only stared at until she withdrew it without a shade of awkwardness and flashed Lavi a brilliantly white smile. "My name is Dr. Noreen Dawud, a pleasure to meet you."

"Forgive me if I can't return the sentiment. Driving into a lamp post wasn't exactly on my bucket list," Lavi said sullenly. Behind the doctor, Laboun shook his head at the blunt tone.

"So you remember the moments before the incident. That's a good sign," Dr. Dawud said, unfazed. "I can give you a few more details that you would have missed, after the vehicular incident this morning. The vehicle in question, I'm told, is not completely total-ed, information will be gleaned from the black box and the dash cam to investigate the lead up to the actual event. But that's for the police and insurance companies to figure out, my primary concern is your health. You have sustained damage to your eardrum; loss of balance and nausea are expected outcomes." Here she glanced at the cardboard bowl in his hands. "However, you've spent the last four hours unconscious, and some of our preliminary tests require that you undergo a psychological evaluation before we can discharge you today."

Even though Dr. Dawud spoke slowly and clearly it felt as if her words were travelling through sludge to get to him. Only two words stood out to him. "Psychological evaluation? You think I'm crazy?" Lavi couldn't comprehend what he was hearing.

"No Mr. Bookman, that's not what I said," she said lightly. "I just need to ask you some questions to help give us a better picture of your health."

"I'll leave you both to it then," Laboun shrugged apologetically and left the room after assuring him that the day was his to take. Reports could be filed tomorrow.

Now alone, Dr. Dawud took Lavi through the assessment procedure. The assessment itself was longer and more rigorous than he had expected, including a number of questions about his diet, childhood allergies and sickness. He kept his gaze fixed on the tiled floors, thankful to the monotonous pattern for their stoic solidity as blood rushed to his face over some surprisingly intimate questions regarding his life style choices. But he did his best to answer, she was only doing her job after all.

Silently Dr. Dawud clicked her way over to the pile of his clothes and pulled out a small clear bag of his personal effects. Keys, badge, mobile phone and the white cylindrical bottle that held his pills. The remaining pills rattled as the doctor withdrew the bottle and placed them atop the cabinet by the bed. She looked at him inquisitorially.

"Its just caffeine," Lavi shrugged. "Got them off the shelf at Holland and Barrett's'."

"Your partner informed us that you've recently been promoted, that you're working on a difficult case, and on top of that you had both been present at a rather unpleasant crime since the early hours of this morning," she pressed on despite Lavi's discomfort. "Did you take any pills this morning?"

"I wasn't just promoted, I worked hard for it-," Lavi paused, what was the real question behind that? "I don't see what caffeine pills have to do with anything. Even students use them to get through exams and stuff…"

"Our test showed that you came in with incredibly high blood pressure, consistent with a myocardial –"

"I had a heart attack?" Lavi was on his feet. "I'm only 26!"

"No, you did not have a heart attack Mr. Bookman. But it was a close thing. If you have been self-medicating for an extended period then there can be other side effects. How have you been sleeping?"

Great now he was being accused of dosing on caffeine pills. "Fine," he said tersely.

"Really," Dr. Dawud raised a disbelieving brow, "because the dark circles under your eyes tell a different story Mr. Bookman. And you said you've been managing 4 to 5 hours of sleep each night. We can arrange for you to talk to someone -"

"I don't need to talk to anyone and I wasn't tired at the wheel!" Finding that he was on his feet, Lavi forced himself to sit down.

"Sir please, I'm obligated to ask, prior to the accident did you experience anything out of the ordinary? Perhaps a visual or auditory aberrations just before or after the incident?" The doctor fixed him in a piercing glare, and Lavi could tell that her professionalism was beginning to tire.

He narrowed his eyes, "Do you mean did I have a hallucination and then crash the car?"

"I need to know if there were other factors involved that could continue to affect you," The doctor shook her head defensively. "You have suffered a head injury, it would not be at all out of the ordinary if things don't seem quite right while you recover."

There had been a girl. There had been a monstrosity of a butterfly on her shoulder. That was out of the ordinary. But it _did happen._

"Right… I did not have an episode before the crash and you have said yourself that I've been unconscious for the last four hours. Right now what I need is to go somewhere I can actually recover," At this point Lavi couldn't bring himself to care about bedside manners. Dr. Dawud had been the tactless one to begin with! He leveled a baleful tare at her, the one he reserved for particularly difficult perps, and watched as she noted down a rather long note on her board.

"Mr. Bookman please, it's not my intention to upset you. My next question may shock you, but I am required to ask you for your own safety. It is of the utmost importance that you answer truthfully."

Lavi nodded once.

"Did you turn off the road intentionally?"

The question hit him hard, like a punch in the gut. Lavi found her watery blue eyes hard to keep contact with as he turned the question over in his mind. How much of this would be reported back his superiors? Would she report his conduct to the Superintendent?

At last he nodded again, pinching his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "Yes," Dr. Dawud's eyes went wide despite her calm and collected demeanor. "Yes, I veered off the road intentionally because of the very real, very tangible little girl who would have been lying in this hospital bed instead me had I not turned in time. And its _Detective Sergeant_ Bookman." He stood up again, much steadier this time and grabbed the bag containing his belongings none too gently.

A soft exhale of disbelief and a signature later, Lavi was told that he was free to go after he signed his discharge papers and strongly advised that he should make an appointment at the desk for a follow up check. Advice that Lavi was going to wholeheartedly ignore.

Once alone Lavi dressed quickly, happy that he was free to go at last. He sent a message to Laboun to let him know that he would be heading straight home. At last Lavi picked up the clipboard of discharge papers the less than pleased doctor had left atop a cabinet. She must also have been in a hurry to leave the damned room. With only a cursory glance at the prescriptive bullet pointed advice, Lavi signed the little pink box at the bottom of the sheet and threw the board back down.

The clipboard landed with a clatter and much more force than intended; Lavi winced as the whole frame rattled and the door swung open revealing stacks of boxes and other medical supplies. As he went to shut the door again the name on the top of the box caught his eye.

Klonopin 2mg.

Lavi knelt down for a better look. Prescription drugs that should have been nowhere near public access were well stocked right here within his grasp. There was an assortment of drugs; pills for sleeping disorder, anxiety as well as anti-depressants and pain glanced over shoulder warily before reaching in.

Twenty minutes later, Lavi was discharged.

* * *

Wood rattled overhead as a chair rolled across the loft. Lavi strained his ears to track the movement as he packed the neat white boxes, seven all told, into zip seal bags and taped them securely against the back of the bathtub panel. It was always he who ended up scrubbing down the bathroom, so there was no danger of anybody else reaching for the bleach. Happy that the contraband was safely hidden, Lavi held one arm close over his bruised side, pushed himself up from the floor and dusted off his knees.

Gripping the cold edge of the sink, Lavi examined his reflection in the unforgiving mirror. Lavi's already pale complexion stood out starkly against the bright red of his hair and the beginnings of a droop started to develop at the corners of his eyes. Stitches ran close to his hairline, spanning from the top of his left temple down to his ear. Lavi traced the laceration with a finger, grimacing at the tenderness. All told the lines of exhaustion aged him years beyond his youthful twenty six.

Slowly Lavi bent over the basin to splash himself with water, ignoring the angry pulses of pain coming from his inflamed middle. The cool water felt like heaven against his skin, a chilled caress that soothed the heated lines that emanated from the various cuts and scratches where the shattered fragments of glass had bit into his flesh. Although all that was merely noise in the background compared to the dull ache in his head that he had been carrying for far too long now.

The room dimmed and brightened again as Lavi pulled himself upright, the pressure inside his skull making it feel like his head would implode if the blood flow didn't catch up with itself in time. Just in time Lavi gripped the cistern and emptied his stomach, a mouthful of sticky bile, into the toilet. One eye on the bath paneling Lavi sat up, much slower this time and flushed the toilet. Just two of those tablets would be enough to give him respite. Blissful, dreamless sleep.

Two sharp raps on the door and Lavi shook his head to find himself on his knees, with a white box in one hand and small translucent brown bottle in the other, the latter dropped from his hand with a guilty clatter.

"Lavi are you okay in there?" The door knob rattled.

"One minute," Lavi called through the door, hastily shoving the box and bottle back under the bathtub and rush to his feet. He pushed through the dizziness to open the door. Tyki stood in the hallway, an expression of confusion and concern mingled on his face.

"What the hell happened to you?" Tyki pushed Lavi by the shoulders, firmly but gently, until he was perched upon the edge of the bathtub. "You look like you've had the shit kicked out of you…"

"You should see the other guy," Lavi tried to quip but quickly retracted the comment when Tyki froze. "Relax, it was just a car crash. Minor."

Tyki let out his breath slowly, "Just a car crash? And tsunami is just a wave… Jesus, Lavi why didn't you call me?"

Guiltily, Lavi watched the wall behind his boyfriend rather than make eye contact. There were many things he could have said to Tyki to explain away why he hadn't called but informing Tyki that he was out cold for half the morning wasn't one of them. Neither was admitting that he had given Laboun explicit instructions never to call home for anything less than life or death.

"Would you have come if I did?" Also not a good choice.

Lavi closed his eyes to avoid the stricken look on Tyki's face or the barely masked hurt that sparked behind his eyes. But it didn't protect Lavi from hearing the sharp intake of breath or the regretful sigh. He wasn't able to evade the loss of Tyki's touch in his hair when the man stepped back and the knowing that he had caused that. Lavi gripped the cold edge of the tub to anchor himself.

"What I meant was that I didn't want to worry you," Lavi said through gritted teeth, "and I didn't want to make you feel bad for not coming to the hospital. I know you can't."

Across the room, Tyki sat down on the closed lid of the toilet. "I don't know Lavi… I would've tried for you. Might've even made it to the car park."

"Well that would be pointless seeing as you don't drive, and I'm not allowed to for the foreseeable," Lavi softened the gravel in his tone.

"I'll have you know, I have a bus pass," Tyki said indignantly, successfully breaking the tension as they both started laughing. "Yeah, I would have been useless there. But I'm not here, so stand up and let me know have a look," he ordered Lavi.

Lavi pulled himself up right, grimacing through the pain. "Your bedside manner leaves much to be desired Dr. Mikk." Nonetheless he allowed Tyki to remove his shirt and peel back the bandages. "Should you be doing that?" he asked nervously.

"Trust me, I used to be a doctor," Tyki shushed him lightly and let out a low whistle. "At least you're not torn up here too, probably a bruised rib or two, but you'll survive."

Lavi looked down nervously and then quickly looked away with a grimace focusing on the tiles behind Tyki's head instead of the mass of purple and green spread across his torso. He held his arms out wide and breathed through his nose while Tyki rewrapped the bandages firmly. The practiced doctor's hands were gentle but the process was not without pain. Tyki tied off the end of the bandage and pressed his lips against Lavi's brow.

That soft warm was the final blow to Lavi's bravado; like a dam bursting, silent tears began to fall, fat and heavy, rolling in unstoppably down his cheeks. The realization that he could have died hit him afresh and Dr. Sanchez's accusation of attempted suicide rang painfully inside his skull. What would Tyki have thought of him? How could he ever do that to him? He screwed up his eyes, as if that could stop the flow of salt water and buried his face into Tyki's shoulder while gripping the back of his shirt in tight bunches in each fist. Each of Tyki's arms came up to wrap around his shoulder's holding him, grounding him in a sheltering embrace.

"Lavi, babe, you're home. It's okay," Tyki said soothingly. "I'm here. I'm here."

At length, Lavi pushed back and Tyki released him tentatively. Lavi smiled weakly back at him and wiped at his face with the palm of his hands. "I'm okay now," he sniffed. "Must've been delayed shock or something right?"

"Yeah must have been." Tyki did not look convinced. "I'll go make us something to eat and an ice pack. I'll see you downstairs?"

Lavi nodded and half hiccoughed a response so with a dubious glance backwards Tyki left the bathroom. The stairs creaked loudly, and as the sound of Tyki's footsteps faded away, Lavi dropped to his knees and safely tucked the boxes of pill further back into the dark space.

After washing his face once more, he gather up his work clothes and shoved them into the laundry basket and entered the bedroom to change. He put on a dark pair of shabby but comfortable jogging bottoms and a large t-shirt. Knowing that Tyki would not approve of such clothing in the middle of December, he searched for his favourite green hoodie without avail.

"Tyki have you seen my hoodie? The green one," Lavi called out from the top of the stairs.

"In the loft," came the reply.

The loft was mostly Tyki's space and Lavi rarely ever went up there. After the incident last year they had converted the loft to make a study for Tyki. When he gave up his post at the hospital he needed a place to focus on the art therapy, which tapped a reserve of unknown talent. Now Tyki worked from home as a graphic novelist.

It was cold in the loft, but the white winter sunlight was warm on his skin. Tyki's desk was set before a window that looked out on to Wood Street Park, as vast an expanse of green as you could get in the city limits. It was a cozy little space and it did not take long for Lavi to locate his hoodie where it lay draped over the back of the desk chair. As he pulled the hoodie on, a pile of papers drew his attention.

On the first sheet there was the outline of a quaint village, industrial period, and on another a heavy lidded woman lamented at the base of an old grandfather clock. Lavi lifted the sheets for a closer look at the clock, it looked familiar, almost exactly like the one that stood in the hallway downstairs… But the black and white parquet patterned corner of another sheet caught his eye. Lavi slid the sheet out carefully.

The paper fell from his fingers, drifting gracefully back to the desk.

It was her.

Shades of purple assaulted his memory as he picked out the slight frame of a girl in a white dress standing in a galaxy coloured splash, a knowing grin and a single finger at her lips. Lavi's pounding heart was in his throat as bright gold eyes stared back at him. Taunting.

"Lavi?" Tyki's anxious voice called to him from far away.

With a concerted effort Lavi tore his eyes away from the girl and pulled the door shut behind him.


	3. Chapter 2

**_A fat yellow moon hung in the star-studded sky. Silver ringed the celestial body, a promise of storms._**

 ** _A single wing beat vibrated through the air, the first sign of any life other than Lavi himself present on the mountainside. Not wasting another second Lavi buried the tip of his hammer into the crumbling dirt and raced the wind to the highest tier of the mountain. Air pressure pushed down on him fiercely followed by a split second of weightlessness. It was the closest to flying he would ever get._**

When Lavi first joined the police force, the environment of the station was what he had looked forward to most. He longed to join the action, the banter, the synchronized teams of officers rushing to the scene of crime in perfect formation. It was irrational, he knew that, as was the secret hope he had held that he would witness the heroic arrest of an out of control suspect, better yet taking the role of the arresting officer.

In truth, the station was like any other office, but with slightly more entertainment on a Friday night. Even then it was usually contained to the custody suites, and no one really envied those officers. No, he could never quite reconcile with the nine-to-five boredom. In some ways the boredom was easier to handle when he was in uniform.

At the very least, the station was a notch better than being forced to stay at home. He was either too exhausted to do more than get out of bed or would find himself trying too hard to keep up a good cheer for Tyki who kept tip-toeing around him as if he were about to shatter at any moment. So when Lavi returned to work four days into his sick leave, tired of playing the invalid at home, it wasn't much of a surprise to find the station in one of these lulls.

The case of the five immigrant bodies that had been dragged out of the canal had been handed up to People Trafficking and as Laboun had dealt with that particular paperwork already, Lavi's inbox was empty.

To keep himself occupied, Lavi pulled out an unsolved case file – missing teenager: last scene walking home from school.

A bright smile under a mop of greasy blonde locks beamed up at Lavi, who could only grimace back. A twist of hair conveniently fell over an eye in what Lavi could only assume was a poor attempt on the poor sod's part to hide the livid scar that marred his skin. Fifteen and in and out of care homes, ricocheting between foster families and group homes. It was almost a certainty that the subject of the three years cold case, Allen Walker, would never be found. Not alive.

Lavi threw the file down. Disgusted.

"What are you doing here?"

Lavi followed the quiet hiss to its source, DS Galen, a tall officer stood in the doorway of the tiny, shared office. Looking urgently behind her, she slipped in and shut the door quietly behind her. Ducking unnecessarily, she advanced, whispering furiously. "Does the Chief know you're here?"

"Laboun? No, haven't seen him yet," Lavi found himself matching her hunched posture despite the sharp reminder that his ribs were in pieces. "And why are we whispering Sol?"

Feeling self-conscious, Sol Galen coughed and straightened up. "Not him – Dark! You need to get out before he catches you. After that crash, you are not in his good books; you totaled a station car and wrecked yourself while you were at it." She dragged her eyes over him carefully, as if she expected him to drop dead. "You know you look like shit Bookman? If you hemorrhage in the station, Chief will probably kill you before you bleed to death."

"What a lovely image to share this morning," he said acerbically and rolled his eyes. "I'm not afraid of Dark. What's that paper pusher going to do? Tell on me – 'coz Kamui scares me even less." Lavi resumed flipping through the case notes.

"It's not about being scared Bookman! Do you think it makes a difference to Dark if you're scared of him? He only cares about how much of the budget you're eating. Just don't say I didn't warn you," Galen left the room exasperated. Lavi was glad to see the back of her… until she returned ten minutes later.

"What now?" The detective sergeant was starting to irritate him.

"Your boyfriend's at the front desk. Do you want me to tell him you're here or not?" Galen asked curiously. Confused, Lavi patted his pockets. Why would Tyki come straight to the station without calling first? Dread filled him. Little white boxes under the bathtub rushed to the fore of his mind. "Relax, you haven't lost your phone, he said you'd left it at home. Poor guy is worried you've gone out and gotten hurt somewhere. Really sweet actually. What should I tell him?"

"Nothing, I'll go speak to him," Lavi said, feeling only slightly relieved. Galen shrugged and sat down at her desk. Lavi stopped at the door, "Why didn't you just tell him I was here Sol?"

Galen shrugged again and said without looking up, "You wouldn't be the first officer I knew taking a break from a partner."

"Oh, you really are looking out for me," Lavi said in mock sweetness. Galen made a disgusted sound in her throat and sat down at her desk.

Lavi's ribs complained loudly as he moved through the narrow Victorian building faster than his body gave him permission to. Before rounding the final corner, Lavi paused to gather himself. The bandages around his middle constricted his chest tighter than a vice, making each breath feel as if he were drawing knives into his lungs.

With one hand on the wall to steady himself, Lavi took a deep breath then exhaled slowly as he straightened up. This was the most he had moved in days. He rounded the corner at last, and very nearly turned back around to his office. Walking up to the front desk from the opposite direction, head down reading a report, was the very man he had been warned to avoid. Chief Inspector Suman Dark.

Worse still, through some unknown sixth sense for insubordination, Dark chose that very moment to look up and pin Lavi down with a glare, disapproval radiating from him in waves.

"Have I misunderstood the concept of sick leave, Sergeant?" Even as the shorter of the two, Dark still managed to look down on Lavi. The narrow faced man gave away no emotion. "You've been signed off already. Or are you angling for overtime?"

"No sir, I just came in to pick a few things from my desk," Lavi said, biting back the more cutting comment that danced on his tongue. A prickle of prideful anger made Lavi stand taller. He was no fan of the Inspector; since his transfer into the division, Suman Dark had made it his business to tighten a ship that was already at breaking point.

"I've read the report of the incident from Laboun and I'm not as taken with your version of the events as he is," Dark said grimly. "I want you off the premises and I don't want you returning to work until you get clear medical and psychological assessment. Don't look at me like that, there's only you're union to blame, always bleating about staff wellbeing."

"Inspector! I didn't expect to find you here," Tyki cut in loudly. Dark stared at the outstretched hand Tyki offered for a long moment until recognition replaced bewildered disdain.

"Dr. Mikk, how are you?" he asked without feeling as if he didn't care much for the answer. "I transferred recently. And you? I don't recall there being any medical consults scheduled for today?"

Lavi cleared his throat loudly. "Tyki – Dr. Mikk – is here for me. He's my partner. I didn't realize you two knew each other…"

"Only a brief acquaintance. Take yourself home Bookman, and do me a favour, stay there for the next two weeks," barked Dark abruptly and just as abruptly he left them.

"Send my regards to your wife and daughter Inspector," Tyki called to him before he was out of sight. Dark nodded stiffly and disappeared.

Lavi let out a low whistle as soon as his footsteps were out of earshot. "Someone married him? Poor woman. How do you even know him?"

"His daughter was a patient of mine. And he's not that bad, you just caught him at a bad time," Catching the expression on Lavi's face, he added quickly, "Put it this way, he's just transferred to London whilst his wife and daughter are living in Sheffield, closer to a specialist hospital."

"Oh…" Realization hit him. Lavi punched Tyki's arm, "Why did you have to go and make me feel bad for the fucker?"

"Yeah well… You kinda have to. A lot of families either grow stronger or apart. A job like this, I doubt home was much of safe haven or vice versa. It's lucky we don't take our work home with us. Not anymore." Tyki said in an offhand way.

Five bodies pulled from a canal. Fifteen year old: three years missing. How could he ever take this home with him? Now imagine he had to deal with a chronically ill daughter… He didn't need to imagine too wildly. Lavi surreptitiously edged closer, allowing the back of his hand to brush lightly against Tyki's. After a scan of the hallway he dared a quick squeeze of their hands and quietly asked the question that had been bothering for the longest time, "Is that why you quit medicine?"

"We'll talk about that another time," Tyki ended the conversation gently but his lips thinned to a sad line of a smile. He went ahead of Lavi into the small office. "Let's get your stuff and go home."

 _When?_ Lavi screamed inside his own head. He wanted to question the change of subject but held his tongue upon finding that Galen and another constable, Tina Spark were already inside the small box room. The constable smiled broadly at Lavi and busied herself with an Oscar winning performance of paper shuffling, as if they hadn't just been talking about his boyfriend. An equal measure of pride and annoyance blossomed inside him.

"Sola!" Tyki greeted Galen with an embrace while the other constable looked on enviously. "Hope you're not letting this guy bully you?"

Galen laughed in a tinkling way that tipped the scales towards annoyance for Lavi. "As if he could."

"Wouldn't dream of it. I've seen you knock out Skin Bolic, and he's built like a brick shit house," Lavi winced just recalling the incident.

Tyki took Galen's hands in his own. "Please excuse my vulgar partner. My professional opinion is that he's still concussed and sustained damage to that very important part of his brain that reminds him that a lady is always a lady. Especially when said lady is more than capable of kicking his ass."

"I don't know how you live with him," Galen rolled her eyes at Lavi as if she were the long suffering party in this relationship. "And while we're on the topic when are you going to make a man out of our boy and marry him?"

Heat tipped the outer rim of Lavi's ear and he only hoped it hadn't spread over his face. "Don't you have any actual work to do? The crime rate ain't getting no lower while you're sitting around here, you know," he scolded her, half ushering half pushing her out of the little office.

"Don't worry sarge, I'll get her out of your hair," Spark laughed taking Galen by the arm and walking her out of the door. "If you don't mind my saying sir, I was sorry to hear about your accident. Please take care of yourself, the station needs you at your best." He smiled and assured her he would.

The sentiment made him quite awkward, he never knew quite how to manage sympathy and hated it when people made a fuss over him. The last thing he needed was for the office to think he was too delicate for the job. He looked down the small pile of papers on his desk that stared blankly up at him, the lie he told about needing things from the office failed him now, so haphazardly he loaded the pile into a discarded box. Tyki helped hold up his coat for him to slip into more easily, while he juggled the box from hand-to-hand.

"I don't know why you dislike Sol, she's a lovely girl," Tyki chuckled.

"And a hell of a detective," Lavi conceded, "I don't dislike her, she just talks. A lot. And you need to remember you're gay."

"Jealous, are we?" Tyki said coyly and took the box from Lavi's hands. "How do you think I feel when you have cute little constables like Ms Spark tripping over her feet for you. _The station needs you._ Does she do that every day?"

"Oh ha ha," Lavi slammed an extra file on top of the box.

Tyki whistled lowly, "I have I ever told you how hot you are when you're angry?"

"Yes," Lavi kissed him quickly. "And don't you ever forget it. Now come one let's go before you buddy Dark catches me still here!"

By the time they arrived home, Lavi was exhausted from the journey and had forgotten about his unanswered question. With what was left of his energy, Lavi convinced Tyki to bring the TV into the bedroom; to keep him company because he would not compromise on Tyki missing crucial work hours just to keep him company. Dutifully, Tyki set him up, fresh pillows, warm drink and close to hand were the telephone, remote control and the box of police reports.

In the end Tyki decided to bring down his work into the bedroom and as Lavi read through his reports, Tyki sat quietly drawing beside him. Every now and again, Lavi would sneak a look at whatever Tyki was working on. It was not the butterfly girl.

And so this became their routine for the next few days. For a while, Lavi gave in to the needs of his body and much of his time was spent catching up on the sleep that had eluded him for so long. The pain killers he had been prescribed made it easy to drift into blank sleep.

One thing remained the same however, everyday when Tyki was deep into his work in the loft, Lavi would lock the bathroom door, pull back the panel and count the seven little boxes and the amber bottles inside them.

* * *

Towards the end of his sick leave, Lavi once again started feeling the itch to be back at work. His body was stronger now, even though there was still some bruising, it was mostly superficial. With Tyki's blessing he started going to the gym again to undo the damage of two weeks idleness.

So it was that on the last day of his leave, Lavi lay awake waiting for morning. The deceptive winter hours weren't enough to keep him in bed for longer than necessary. Outside the skies would still be dark, the roads lit by the orange glow of streetlights. It was too much to hope for a clear sight of stars let alone a silver moon in the darkling city.

Lavi slipped quietly out of bed as early as could be counted decent. For him, that happened to be as soon as the clock read five to six. It was no easy thing to leave a warm bed and body behind but Lavi's own sore body screamed at him. He needed to kick start his morning regimen.

A note on the kitchen table would let Tyki know where he had gone. With only a small twinge of guilt Lavi deposited his phone next to the note.

Icy wind blasted him back a step as he creaked the door open carefully. A dip in the temperature last night gifted every car parked along the pavement with its own jeweled layer of frost. The ground glittered up at Lavi, winking in the glare of the orange streetlights. Turning back now was not an option so blowing hot air onto his gloves Lavi did not hesitate to mount the steps down to the street.

One circuit. Just one circuit of the block was all he needed.

He stooped to check his laces, tucked the aglets out of the way and straightened up, filling his lungs deeply with the cool air and slowly exhaled a fine mist and took a measure of his body's limits with a brisk walk. Muscles in various places complained loudly at first but eased into background noise as he worked up a steady rhythm and Lavi soon felt confident enough to break into a light jog.

At first pain rippled across his bruised torso with each jolting landing but persevering the breath came more easily and each footfall was lighter and swifter than the last.

Few cars passed Lavi as he ran, and he encountered fewer people. Those he did see were either wrapped up heavily against the cold or huddled close over the white glow of small screens. A young woman sitting at the bus stop eyed him suspiciously and pocketed her phone as he drew close. Lavi shook his head with police officer disdain. Her unprotected bag at her feet would have made a much richer target if he had planned to rob her.

At the next corner Lavi stopped to stretch out his warmed up muscles. He drank deeply from his flask but at least his lungs weren't screaming yet and the chilled air was invigorating. The sky had lightened to a dusky grey and the clouds were limned in silver where the sun was still hiding its face. Lavi sat down on the low brick wall and mentally mapped a route back home. By his count he had easily run a mile and it didn't seem wise to push his still recovering body much further than that.

A pair of joggers were running the road to Wood Street Park; Lavi followed their progress. There was a well-trodden path through the park and the eastern exit would set him back on the road home. Lavi took another slosh of water and headed towards the park.

The trees were denser in the park, the weak dawn light struggled to break through the branches and Lavi had to slow his pace as he ran uphill to avoid injury. Twice he had to stop entirely to carefully step over large stretches of icy ground. At intervals great piles of grit salted the road. Pulling his hat firmly down to cover his ears, Lavi wondered absently if the freezing winter would bring any snow.

Halfway through the route a stitch started to develop in Lavi's side, a particularly sharp pain shot up his leg forcing him to stiffen and stop awkwardly. A layer of loose ice gave way underfoot and Lavi skidded to a stop over a particularly nasty patch of slick ice and fell backwards jarringly onto his elbows. Instinctively he curled into the fetal position to protect his already bruised torso and rolled onto the grass. He lay there awhile catching his breath and stood slowly checking his extremities were intact, all the while feeling foolish.

"S'matter with you boy?" a small wrinkled face peeked out from under layers of blankets on a nearby bench. The fine mist before him the only evidence that that was indeed a person and not a lump of crumped blankets.

"Nothing," Lavi answered gruffly. Under his gloves the skin of his palms were grazed raw, the heel of his palm peaked through a tear in the material. The homeless man grunted a response at him. The muscles of his back groaned weakly when he stooped to lift his water bottle and as he limped back to the path his hips responded stiffly. Walk it off, he told himself.

"Giving up already?"

"Excuse me?" Lavi turned back sharply and instantly regretted the sudden movement. The homeless man, a greying old mole man with dark eyes was sitting up smirking at him. Primal instincts rose to the challenge in man's tone, but seeing the old man's condition as he rubbed his sore neck it turned into pity instead. "Do you some help?"

He was rewarded with a bark of laughter that became a hacking cough.

"I can call a hostel if you like," Lavi checked his pockets for his phone. Belatedly he remembered he had left the phone on the nightstand at home. At least he was smart enough to keep his wallet with him. "I don't have my phone but if you're up for a walk I know a place that could make room for you."

"Sort your own self out before playing the Samaritan boy," the old man sneered. "I was perfectly fine until an idiot in sweatpants tripped noisily. You're ruining my beauty sleep."

A cantankerous homeless man on a cold winter morning wasn't the worst Lavi had ever faced. However this one seemed set on making himself a special case, he wasn't even drunk as far as Lavi could tell. "This cold could kill you. I'm a police officer, you can trust me. At least let me buy you something hot to eat."

"Why?" the old man snorted at him. The dark circles around his eyes stood out starkly on his pale wrinkled face. "You think feeding one poor man will help you sleep easier?"

"I'm just trying to help," Lavi took an involuntary step forward. That lecturing tone was gratingly familiar.

"Is that what you do? Run around in the dark, away from your own problems thinking you can help someone else?" the old man grinned through crooked teeth.

Annoyance and curiosity warred inside Lavi, "If you don't want my help I won't force it. I was only trying to be nice Jiji." He shrugged it off and started to walk away.

"I ain't your Jiji," the old man scoffed. "Are all you officers this dense? Or just the ones dumb enough to drive into lampposts?" The old man was sitting up, wringing his wrists to wake up his numb flesh. Lavi nearly slipped on the ice again.

"How did you ever pass the detective exam? I thought detectives had to actually deduce things," the old man mocked him as he threw off his blankets and stiffly came closer to Lavi.

Cold dread started at the base of his skull and spread through Lavi's body. Lavi could not decipher what this mad old man was talking about; he seemed far too lucid to be a raving lunatic. How could he know about the crash?

Lavi turned on his heel and ran. Every fibre of his being screaming that flight was the only choice.

Leaving behind all the stiffness and aching, Lavi all but flew up the path and out of the park. The wind bit with razor sharpness at his skin and pulled the air right out of his lungs. Eventually his body beat the terror of his mind and Lavi's legs buckled beneath him, and for the second time that morning Lavi fell hard to the ground. He threw out his hands to brace himself against the concrete. Acid and bile rose in an insurmountable wave. Lavi spat out the acrid taste and dragged his jacket sleeve across his mouth. He pulled back sweat-spiked hair from his eyes and forced his ribs to take slow shuddering breaths. The soft tissue of his throat burned angrily at the onslaught of chill after the acid. Shaking, Lavi dragged himself up and home.

The house was still dark and Lavi had to move cautiously to make as little noise as possible; he didn't want to wake Tyki just yet. That would mean explaining why he was in a worse state than a normal run would put him in and so he ducked into the bathroom on the landing rather than hazard entering the bedroom. He let his clothes fall to the floor and stepped into the shower, reveling in the first hot spray across his aching muscles.

The encounter in the park kept running through his head and most of all the disconcerting familiarity of the old man bothered him more than he liked to admit. In seven years of law enforcement Lavi had come across more than his fair share of the unstable who ranted and raved about all sorts but this man knew things he shouldn't have known.

A little girl in a white dress stared down headlights.

"Argh shit – what the fuck!" Lavi scrambled to shut the tap off before a sudden burning jet of cold water could peel the skin off his back. He stepped gingerly out of the tub and regarded the showerhead with baleful eyes. Tyki must be up using the en suite. He grabbed a clean towel from the cupboard and after a quick tousle of his hair, he wrapped himself up and used one of the spare toothbrushes to finish his routine.

The mirror watched him, as he knew it always did, unrelenting in its scrutiny. Since the crash, Lavi had begun to notice small acts of rebellion from his reflection, an open eyed stare or an extra blink, sometime it stared back. Even now, he knew that the other Lavi was focused on the sliding panel under the bathtub.

Spit. Rinse. Eye contact.

Not yet, he told the mirror. Instead he opened the mirror cabinet and swallowed two ibuprofen. That would do for now.

Lavi scooped up his soiled clothes and the laundry basket and carried them both downstairs to shove into the washer. Luckily there was a pile of clean laundry in the basket by the machine, saving Lavi a journey back to the bedroom for fresh clothes. He fished out boxers, a t-shirt and robe to keep out the cold; once dressed he walked through to the kitchen and by the time he had breakfast going, Tyki joined him.

"Good run?" Tyki nuzzled into Lavi's neck from behind and slid his hands under his t-shirt. "Why didn't you come back to bed?"

"Thought I'd let you sleep a little longer." Lavi gasped in shock and then began to laugh as one of Tyki's hands dropped lower than the waistband of his boxers. The man had done nothing but tiptoe around from these past two weeks, and rejected every one of Lavi's efforts but now it seemed he was at his limit. "I take it you're hungry?" Lavi teased.

Tyki spun Lavi around, his eyes twinkling mischievously. "Absolutely ravenous."

Together they stumbled, tripped and laughed their way back to the bedroom where they collapsed into a heap of love and desire until they both drifted back to sleep in each other's arms.

* * *

It was a good dream.

The water burbled pleasantly over the rocks as a fragrant zephyr of night bloom and sea breeze rippled the black surface bringing the soothing murmurs to Lavi's ears. He was lying on the grassy bank counting stars with one hand buried in Tyki's raven curls and the other tracing filigree patterns into his lover's back. For every star in the sky above Tyki matched it count for count with delicate butterfly kisses to his neck.

Growing impatient, Lavi dragged his lover up and met him with an imploring touch of lips to lips. Lavi indulged in everything from the tobacco taste to the secure weight of the man above him.

Sensuous hands roamed lazily up his sides, cool fingers teasing circles into his hot skin. Until they reached his neck and tightened into an iron grip crushing his windpipe.

It was not a good dream.

The tender kiss turned ugly and violating. Pressure built inside Lavi's skull as he struggled to break the seal over his mouth. Stars burst in the periphery as he gasped for air that ignited fire in his collapsing windpipe. Frantically Lavi clawed at the hands around his neck.

Sparks burst before his eyes, blinding him. The scene around Lavi faded to black; the water, the breeze and the stars… all gone. Lavi felt his body go slack under the stranglehold.

Cruel laughter brought Lavi back to himself. Behind him a wall, hands still around his neck. Hands that belonged to his Tyki; only now it was a smiling monster looking out from behind familiar golden eyes. Lavi squeezed his eyes shut on that face.

Lavi was on his back again. Familiar pillows under his head were a sweet blessing. Light filtered through the window and Lavi smiled in relief. He reached for Tyki, but his arm remained as lead by his side. He tried again. Not even a finger twitched.

Stricken, Lavi could not turn his head and breath came in labored drags and silence roared in his ears. Pain exploded through his middle. Unseen weight pinned him down into the mattress. At his sides, his arms were useless. Frantically Lavi struggled to draw breath. He shut his eyes against the internal pulsing that threatened to crush his skull. Fear such as he had never known before gripped him tightly in its cold embrace.

Paralyzed in limbo, Lavi waited in false calm, sometimes making attempts to control his breathing and sometimes futilely trying to force wakefulness. Fingertips caressed his exposed neck almost lovingly and a sibilant hiss in his ear turned his blood to frost. Lavi knew then that he whimpered.

"Exorcist."

Lavi opened his eyes, his heart, an erratic drumbeat in his chest. Sweat stood cold on his brow. The ghost of those fingers still touched him and his hands shot to his throat half expecting to find them there. Panting Lavi took stock of surroundings. Every sense fed Lavi key information that soothed his frantic nerves. Beneath him, warm pillows. His pillows. Sunlight filtered through the curtains, creating golden bars across the ceiling. Even the shadows were more sharp, more solid now. How had he mistaken the flat, dullness of that waking dreaming for reality?

Rationality returned to Lavi slowly.

He spread his palm out flat over his abdomen, remembering the pressure that had held him down. It was as if he were being impaled, unable to move for the spire that connected him bodily to the mattress. The bruised skin was hot to the touch and an experimental prodding of his side sent spasms of pain through his torso. Lavi winced and bore it. If he had accidently poked or prodded himself while sleeping would it not be normal for that pain to be translated into a dream?

"Bad dream?"

Lavi's head whipped around to the source of that voice. Tyki. His Tyki sat up against the headboard holding a file in one hand and sporting his reading glasses. Lavi nodded wordlessly still battling to grip firmly on the waking world and silence the aching throb in his skull. Carefully, Lavi rolled over on to his side and inched closer to Tyki, tucking himself under his lover's arm. He draped his arm over the other and took comfort from his warm skin and breathing his scent. The base of his skull was still throbbing.

"What are you reading?" he asked groggily. Lavi tried looking up but everything in the room was limned with white light that hurt his eyes.

"One the files you brought home."

Lavi groaned his head still felt packed with wet wool. "You shouldn't be reading those," Lavi tried to argue.

"Yeah sorry." But he did not put it down, Tyki continued to absently card his fingers through Lavi's hair. "Do you you know I treated this kid, Allen Walker? Same night he was reported missing too."

"Really?" Lavi sat up, despite a spell of vertigo. "That was three years ago, how can you remember a random boy in the A&E?"

"Well you'd remember him too if he tried to deck you with a folding chair, poor kid."

"We never found him."

"Hey where are you going?" Tyki started to get up to follow Lavi through the door.

Lavi waved him back, "I can feel a head ache coming on. I just need another painkiller and some water. I'll be back in a minute."

Certain that Tyki was not behind him, Lavi held the doorknob so that it would not click and slid the bathroom lock as quietly as he could. From the cabinet he took out the bottle of ibuprofen and a bottle of aspirin. Pill by pill he watched as the aspirin tumbled down the drain. Then from the under the tub Lavi removed one of the bottles of diazepam and poured the content into the now empty aspirin bottle until there were only two left. These two he tipped into his palm.

Placing the now filled bottle into the back of the cabinet, Lavi added two of the painkillers into his palm with the diazepam before shutting the door and stared into his reflection. The homeless old man flashed before his eyes.

 _"_ _Is that what you do? Run around in the dark away from your own problems?"_

Even now Lavi was still running, unable to hold back the germination of the seeds of something destructive in his mind. An old man, a teacher, a missing boy – a pair of hands clamping down on his throat.

Lavi swallowed the pills.


End file.
